QUOTES
by hanjuuluver
Summary: This is not a fic. at all, really. It is my quote list. because it has gotten too massive to leave on my profile page. PLEASE DON'T REPORT ME! All I want to do is post my quote list here. The rest of it will be circulated on my profile a bit at a time.
1. Chapter 1

You! Off my planet!

"small brown taco dogs eat rabid weasels" (me and my creepy friend Alyssa don't ask.)

"there are no dead centipedes on the moon!" (spoken in british accent and also me and my creepy friend Alyssa)

anything involving the words goat and slinky in the same sentence. thats always fun!

"I reject your reality, and substitute my own!" myth busters (i love that show! yeay explosions!)

Hughes:Hey, I've got a message from Roy  
Ed:You mean the Colonel?  
Hughes:He said "Don't die under my command, your enough of a pain without the paper work" that was it.  
Ed:Tell him fine, there's no way I'm dying before you do, you morally bankrupt Colonel with a God complex

"Al's busy with his little hand-picked group of alchemist draftees, trying to give them a crash course in what to do when the world is blowing up around you.—Full Circle, by Nike Femme

So the afterlife smelled like frying bacon and eggs, the blonde man thought. Interesting.—Full Circle, by Nike Femme

faster than a rabid squirrel on coffee

Beer commercials usually have big men, manly men doing manly things: 'You just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer.' Why not a realistic beer commercial like, 'It's five o'clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.'--Robin Williams, Comedian and Actor

I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

"I SWEAR IRONY IS ONE OF THE HOMUNCULI AND HE'S FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE!" Ed exploded.

We are both marked by our dark pasts, and though we try our best to change it, there is precious little we can do. We are slaves to fate

Cheers to Ed, the Master of Midgets

You think you can mess with me? Think again you canine fiend! I, EDWARD ELRIC WILL FIGHT YOU WITH MY ENTIRE BODY AND SOUL!" Ed yelled as he chased the dog around the library.

"I TOLD YOU CANINE FIEND THAT I, EDWARD ELRIC THE STATE ALCHEMIST WILL FIGHT YOU AND WIN!" He then started chasing the dog around the library. Everyone laughed at Ed who was chasing the dog around the room hysterically.

He turned the knob and went in slowly then from above something fell on him, something that was crispy and good and smelled like…. popcorn shrimp? "MY BRETHREN!" Full metal fell to his knees sobbing.

Be patient my little muffins

"Yes, sir. Colonel Bastard, sir!"

Fate is – we can but change how we deal with it.—Full Circle, by Nike Femme

ATTACK THE LIGHT SIDE! THEY HAVE MILK! COME MY MINIONS, ATTACK! ATTACK!"

I'm Envy. Bring on the ninnies!

"Peter: "Brian, there's a message in my alphabet, and it says o-o-o..."  
Brian: "Peter, those are cheerios."

"No sir really, I gave my homework to the pink monkey on the golf course. he said he was the new football coach...snores"

"Run and hide, InuYasha, for your stupidity knows no bounds."-- Sesshoumaru, InuYasha

"Where were you when they handed out the brains!"

"Shippo your village called, they want their idiot back."-- InuYasha, InuYasha

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

-If love isn't a game, then how come there are so many players?

-Life isn't like a Burger King, you can't always have it your way.

-When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head.

-Few women admit their age, few men act theirs.

-I'm a nobody. Nobody's perfect. Therefore, that makes me perfect.

-I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

-Family is like fudge: mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Bob: But mom! All my friends are doing it!  
Bob's Mom: If you friends jumped off of a building, would you?  
Bob: Yes, because then there would be padding for when I landed!

-Save a tree, eat a beaver.

-Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.

-How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

-people will believe anything if you whisper it.

-A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work,

-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

-Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

-If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him "GOD is crying." And when he asks why god is crying, I tell him, "probably because of something you did."

-Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

-"Everything has a purpose" he said for no reason at all.

-I'm not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.

-Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied history are doomed to know its repeating.

-Despite the rising costs of living, it remains a popular activity.

-like Daddy always said: If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense.

-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If the #2 pencil is most popular, why is it still #2?

-If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

-I don't suffer from insanity…I enjoy every minute of it.

-Reason to smile: every seven minutes of every day, someone in aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

-P.E.T.A: people eating tasty animals.

-Why is abbreviation such a long word?

-Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.

-There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

-Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and have their shoes!

-Don't drink and drive… you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

-Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

Happiness is like peeing your pants... every one can see it, but only you can feel the warmth!

-When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!

-Why is it when we laugh in school, teachers ask us if we find something funny, when obviously we do?

-Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?

-Why is it that when something says "Do not eat" on the package, it makes it extra tempting to eat?

-If you were under house arrest, and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you be able to go any where you want?

-Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?

-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

-Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say "See that chicken over there... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt?

-Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', it comes out to be 'Woman hitler'?

"Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss."—Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy

-"Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run - He hates that."

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."

-"It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty... drink it and get on with your life."

-"Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!"

-What does the k in K-mart actually stand for?

-How did the headless horseman know where he was going?

-if you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

-Its all fun and games till someone loses an eye...Then its even funnier!

Where in the nursery rhymes does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

-How can there be self help groups?

-Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an 's' in it?

-What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

-why do they have handicapped parking spaces in front of a skating ring?

-If quizzez are quizzical, then what are tests? (wow… that one's really quite dirty…)

-I love to give home-made gifts: So, which of the children do you want?

-Dont look at me in that tone of voice!

-Therapy is expensive, but bubblewrap is cheap!

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - - Henny Youngman

The first thing we do, let's kill all lawyers. - - William Shakespeare

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. – - Charlotte Whitton

Thank God I'm an atheist.- - Luis Bunuel

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. - - Spike Milligan

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - - Mark Russell


	2. Chapter 2

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. - - W.C. Fields

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kickboxing. - - Emo Philips

Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. - - David Acfield

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - - George Gobel

Solutions are not the answer. - - Richard Nixon

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying. - - Joseph Heller

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - - Robin Williams

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass.

Remember when American moms used to tell their kids to finish dinner because children were starving in Africa?

Well, thanks a lot, Mom—Africans are still starving and American kids are obese. - - Larry Baum

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.' - - Lynda Montgomery

The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings. - - Marc Ostroff

Your best friend isn't the person who bails you out of jail; they are the one who's sitting next to you saying, 'That was awesome!'

This game (Marco Polo) takes its name from a great Italian explorer who was famous for making discoveries by aimlessly wading around in thigh-level water with his eyes closed, wildly clutching at the air and calling out his own first name. Perhaps his most important discovery was made when he finally opened his eyes and discovered that he no longer had any friends. - - Dean Camp

Don't fall asleep when the meat is on the fire. - - Native American Proverb

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery man comes from?

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy. - - Paul Lynde in Bye Bye Birdie

There are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics. - - Mark Twain

I pledge allegiance to the flag,  
that Micheal Jackson is a fag.  
He used to play with lots of toys,  
but now he plays with little boys.

"When I asked him what he was making, he said 'What business of it was mine' and that my mother was probably a prostitute."

"The ending was the best thing ever since I fell asleep after reading the beginning!" -Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Hi! (Name's) computer is broken. This is his/her refrigerator. If you have something important to tell him/her then type slowly and i will stick you to me with one of these here magnets.

I don't beat around the bushes, I beat through them!

They say every 1 in 5 people is Chinese. There are five people in my family. Mom, dad, me, Tom, and Kong Shen Heng. I think it's Tom.

Jesus is coming! ...look busy!

Incase you missed the notice...you should probably go read it.

I was born intelligent...but education ruined me.

I'm NOT full of bologna...I'm full of PANCAKES!

Last night I was lying in bed, looking at the stars. Then I wondered, WHERE THE HELL IS MY CEILING?

Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you're up to.

Random tombstone: "I TOLD you I was sick!"

"I get to go to lots of oversea places, like Canada."- Britney Spears

I dream of a better tomarrow, where Chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.

"I have my own opinions--strong opinions--but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush

Ways To Annoy Your Professors Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something.

After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN..."

I'll go to your funeral if you go to mine.

Sean: "Where have you been?" Cory: "There was a fortune teller at the yogurt parlor!" Sean: "You tortured someone named Yogi Tyler?" -Boy Meets World

Anatidaephobia: The fear that some where, some how, a duck is watching you...

Halloween: The day your parents tell you to take candy from strangers...interesting

LAZINESS My anti-drug.

When translated into Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "Finger lickin good" came out as "Eat your fingers off"

Drive it like you stole it!

Just tell Nemo you couldn't find him becuz you were getting stoned. He'll understand.

I didn't lose my marbles! I sold them on ebay!

I tried to sniff coke...but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose...

When I have a kid I'm gonna put him in one of those strollers for twins and then run around the mall looking frantic.

I dreamt about you last night. You were screaming and had a toothpick in your eye.

"Shaddup. I'm not listening to a word you're saying but you're annoying me."

"The only reasons I learn other languages is to 1) talk to people OUTSIDE of this country. 2) to insult people in the country who I despise."

"You do realize that I don't understand the language of sane people. I only understand the language of those who speak my language."

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

Madoka: Brilliant deduction. You get a cookie! (in sarcastic voice)—Spiral

I reject your reality, and substitute my own! (mythbusters)

Alyssa: I'm going to bite you.

John: NO! DON'T BITE ME! BITING IS ILLEGAL! OW!

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy

I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on my last one!

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a pack...Coincidence? I think not...

Caution: I drive like you do!

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Like Congress.

If con is the opposite pro; then is congress the opposite of progress?

If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?

Whoever said nothing was impossible has obviously never tried slamming a revolving door

Don't worry, it's just blood.

We're not lost. I'm just not quite sure where we are.

ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY

42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

'If something is 'new' there isn't anything before it, right? But if something is 'improved' that means something was before it! So what do they mean by 'New and Improved'?

"It's an honor to imitate you, Princess." Leona said, bowing her head

Faster than a speeding sloth on a sugar high—chronicle of Lies by Garnet Runestar

"I'm one tough survivor, aren't I? And I carry around my guilty motivation in my pocket like some sniveling little kid with a magic charm. We've got no home, no family. The only thing that makes any sense is moving forward…" Edward Elric—Fullmetal Alchemist

"I fart in your general direction, your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of Elderberries" – some guy from Monty Python and the search for the holy grail.

"One day, all this will be yours…"

"what, the curtains?"

Aggie Pate: I didn't know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song.

Jane Wagner: A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?

I've got a jar of dirt, I've got a jar of dirt, and guess wha-at's innn it?—Jonney Depp: Pirates of the Caribbean: dead man's chest

I wasn't sleeping. There was a fly in my eye and I was trying to smother it"

Why is the rum ALWAYS gone?-- Jonney Depp: Pirates of the Caribbean: dead man's chest

Meddle ye not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and good with ketchup.

Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

I had no shoes and I felt sorry for myself. Then I met a man with no feet--so I took his shoes.

There are very few personal problems that cnnot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin work meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet- Robin Williams

I like the absence of color!-Sadie

I'll cowbell you!!- Cameron

Lazyness- Sucess is a journey not a destination, so stop running

I've lost myself. I've gone to find myself. If I return before I get back, please tell me to wait there! P.S. I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on a floppy.

4 penguins perish in truck accident; octopus uninjured (that is an honest to god real quote. I found it for a news article. Don't believe me? Follow the link. www (dot) msnbc (dot) msn (dot) com/id/14254314/?GT18404

"See the happy moron - he doesn't give a damn. I wish I was a moron - by God! Perhaps I am!"

-singing- If all the rain drops were communists in sweat shops, we'd all be dieing of fumage! (yes, I know the last part can't really be sung, but STILL!)

Do cows have accents?

Who you callin drunk? I aint drunk! You wouldn't dare call me drunk if I was sober!

"I like to poke my dog, for she is very squishy. I go poke! Poke!" –makes poking motions with a pencil- : Hannah

"What do you do when there's no 92?"—Crystal

"OW!" – several people. The pain of my friends amuses me…

"Kidney beanium"—Mrs. Ann Stiff Hiene (my chemistry teacher)

"Brown is dieing…"

"Sometimes it just helps to be upside-down."

"I know! We'll create a distraction! Does anyone have a banjo or an inflatable chicken?"—Larry the Cucumber (Go veggietales!!)

"Nothing tastes better than a cookie baked in a tree!" – The Other Elf (also from Veggitales, Lord of the Beans.)

Scarryman: Sporks! Save me!

Random Spork: Cookie Man say no! –hops off- (Veggitales, Lord of the Beans)

"Whoever hooked up the new fridge and transferred my food from the old to the new made one huge mistake. He actually put my butter in the butter tray! What madness! The butter tray is no place for butter! the butter tray is for the little packets of ketchup that you get from Mc Donald's, everybody knows that."— Same person that said the last one.

"Oh my god! There's moisture coming out of the sky! How can that be happening! It 's the end of the world! The apocalypse is coming! We're all gunna die!" – The reaction of anyone who has lived in New Mexico their whole life whenever it "rains" (does anyone know what that is? Rain? I don't know, all that I know is we really don't get very much of it)

"That which kills you makes you dead."

"Crying is an emotional release?"

"I didn't know terrorists strapped bombs to their bodies! I thought they just drove planes into buildings!"

"I will ace my chem test." (funny… I actually failed that test… well, technically I got a D, but still…)

"You're wearing a skirt!"

"Why won't it work!?!?!?!" -brandishes a closed umbrella-

"Is 'squishy' a proper chemistry term?" – Megan

"Don't eavesdrop on your son when he's talking to himself."—Bleach

"Live well, age well, bald well, and die after me." – Bleach

"I'm supposed to tell you please come back, but how bout this instead? I hope you both choke on a pickle… man that would tickle me to death." -Tim McGraw, Do you want fries with that?

"Behold, Nightmare Pasta Man!!"—me, when referring to Ithmar, who's actual name is Paul.

"Tapioca isn't yogurt!"—Christy

"Amendment! Yeay amendment!"—NinjaSquirls

"Zephra did better than me on the test! She must be a witch!" – one of NinjaSquirls's teachers

"I didn't escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!"


End file.
